Self Image Secrets The Hidden Reason You Sabotage Your Diet and Fitness Programs… Just When The Going Gets Good… And What You Should Do About It! By Tom Venuto, Author of Burn The Fat, Feed The Muscle (BFFM) www.burnthefat.com www.fitren.com Copyright 2003, Fitness Renaissance, LLC All Rights Reserved Retail Price: $12.95. This is NOT a free e-book. This report is for Burn The Fat, Feed the Muscle (BFFM) clients only. You do NOT have resale rights to this product. No unauthorized reproduction or distribution is permitted. Copyright violation and illegal distribution will be prosecuted SELF IMAGE AND SELF SABOTAGE The most powerful technique in the world for making rapid improvements in your results is self-image modification. Your self-image serves as the operating instructions of your subconscious computer and it controls everything you say, do, think and feel. In the absence of any deliberate change on your part, you will continue doing, thinking, saying and feeling very much the same things indefinitely. - Brian Tracy, Author of Maximum Achievement So, you decide you want to improve your body and live a healthier lifestyle. You read all the books, gather all the information, map out a nutritional strategy, design your own workout schedule (or have a trainer do it for you), and you embark on the journey to a leaner, more muscular physique…and it starts working! But the minute you begin getting results, you fall off the wagon: You binge, you skip workouts, you cheat. What’s most perplexing and upsetting is that you know what you should do… but no matter how hard you try, you can’t get yourself to do it! It’s as if some unseen force is sabotaging you and controlling your behavior like you were a puppet on a string. Has this ever happened to you? If this scenario sounds all too familiar, then the answer to your frustrations might lie deep within your subconscious mind in something called your “SELF CONCEPT.” Unfortunately, the average person, at the mere mention of self concept, self worth or self image usually cries, “Oh no, not another one of these cheesy self-help articles!” Whenever I mention self concept to a client who has never been exposed to the idea before, their eyes glaze over and they get a distant look as if they were saying, “okay Tom, I’ll be out here in la-la land daydreaming for a while… pinch me when you start talking about the good stuff like thermogenic supplements, split routines, killer ab workouts and high intensity interval training, ok?” You may not understand or appreciate this “self concept” and “self image” stuff yet. However, if you choose to ignore this information, you would be making a grave error. You can be on the most perfect nutrition program and the best training routine in the world, but you’ll always sabotage yourself in the long run if you don’t understand what your self image is, how it controls your behavior, and how to change it. SELF-CONCEPT: YOUR BUNDLE OF BELIEFS First, let’s talk about your SELF-CONCEPT: This is the total bundle of beliefs you have about yourself, including all the names and labels you put on yourself and the way you see yourself. If you really want to know what your true self-concept is, write down the words “I AM ______________” and fill in the blanks with everything you can think of. For example: I am shy I am not a good salesperson I am fat I am uncoordinated I am sexy I am unattractive I am an F student I am an A student I am wealthy I am a failure I am accident-prone I am a great conversationalist I am broke I earn $25,000 per year I could never earn $250,000 per year My body will always be shaped like a pear I'm not very athletic As you can see from the list, you have a “mini” self-concept for every area of your life including your relationships, your ability to attract wealth, your talent in writing, math, art or music and your body image, just to name a few. Your self-concept was first formed in early childhood, largely from the influence of your parents and the authority figures in your life. When you were an infant and a small child, the "lid" on your mind was wide open. One hundred percent of the information and suggestions given to you at this young age went straight into your subconscious where they were accepted as true, even if they weren’t true. Your mind was like a lump of soft, pliable clay. When you reached adolescence, it was like the “lid” on your mind slammed shut with all the early childhood programming locked inside. As an adult, your self-concept has solidified, but it slowly continues to be molded and reinforced by your successes, failures, triumphs, humiliations and everything you experience, see, hear, read and think. For example, if you go on a diet or exercise program and you fail, this goes into your subconscious memory bank and reinforces a negative self-concept: “See, I told you I’ll never be able to look like those people in the magazines.” HOW YOUR SELF CONCEPT AFFECTS YOUR BEHAVIOR Although your self-concept is deeply entrenched from years of conditioning, it CAN be changed. Before I explain the four steps to making the change, I want to explain how your self-concept affects your behavior using an analogy everyone can relate to - MONEY! Why money? Well, as I mentioned before, most people not only don’t understand the self-concept, they’re bored to death at the slightest mention of it. I’d hate to see you doze off before you get to the really juicy stuff later in this article, and since money is seldom a subject that bores anyone and it’s a common denominator between all people, let me explain the relationship between money and self-concept first. Once you see how self-concept affects how much money you earn, you’ll easily understand how it affects what kind of shape you’re in. You’ll then have enough awareness to begin changing your self-concept - and your body - for the better. Question: If you won a large sum of money, or if your annual income suddenly became your monthly income, how would you feel about it? “That would be AWESOME!” is what most people blurt out initially. Well, I have news for you: As bizarre as this may sound, I guarantee that if your old self-concept was still locked in place, you’d do everything possible to get rid of your new-found wealth. You’d make bad business decisions. You’d be unsuccessful in sales. You’d have an uncontrollable urge to go out and spend the money, splurge on things you didn't need, invest in things you knew nothing about, lend to people who wouldn't give it back or even flat out lose it! Just look at what happens to most lottery winners. Even though everyone SAYS they’d like more money, that’s only on the conscious, surface level. The problem is, your behavior is NOT controlled by your conscious mind; your behavior is controlled on a deeper level - from your subconscious mind where your self-concept is located. If having a lot of money isn’t consistent with your self-concept, it will sooner or later lead to some form of sabotaging behavior to bring you back down to your comfort level. Most people stay inside a comfort zone that’s consistent with the concept and image they hold of themselves. They rarely rise above it or allow themselves to fall below it. Any time you try to make a change in your life, whether it’s losing fat or earning more money, it will stir up resistance inside you because you’re attempting to move beyond the safe, familiar and comfortable. To earn more money, you must see yourself as capable of earning more money and worthy of keeping it. If you see yourself as a $24,000 per YEAR person, you’ll NEVER earn and keep $24,000 per MONTH unless you see yourself as a $24,000 per month person. Are you starting to understand how the same thing could happen when you try to change your body? To be lean, healthy and fat-free, you must see yourself as being capable of achieving that body and worthy of maintaining it. If you see yourself as a fat, pear-shaped person, you’ll NEVER be a lean, fat-free person until you see yourself as a lean, fat-free person. Just when you start to see results and become happy with how you look…. all of a sudden, you’ll get the irresistible urge to sleep in and blow off your 6 a.m. workouts. You’ll get uncontrollable cravings for Ben and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey ice cream at 11:30 p.m. You’ll lose your motivation. You won’t “feel” like working out. These self-sabotaging behaviors are all symptoms of a self-concept that’s inconsistent with your present results. SELF-IMAGE: THE HIDDEN KEY TO ACHIEVING YOUR PERFECT BODY 1 Ultimate Ejaculation Mastery The Ultimate Ecstatic Solution To Premature Ejaculation The Tantric Approach to Making Love For As Long As Your Partner Wants, While You Experience More Ecstasy Than You Ever Imagined Possible Version 1.0 June 2001 Copyright 2001 © Tantra At Tahoe 530-587-1317 http://www.TantraAtTahoe.com Bona-fide purchasers may print one copy of this document for personal use. Email forwarding or reproduction for any other purpose prohibited. Table of Contents Chapter 1: Introduction..................................................................................1 1.1 The Perfect Evening................................................................................1 1.2 Book Objectives......................................................................................5 1.3 Cuming Quickly Is Common and Curable...............................................8 1.4 Book Overview......................................................................................10 Chapter 2: Mechanics...................................................................................13 2.1 The Anatomy of Ejaculation..................................................................13 2.2 Causes Of Premature Ejaculation .........................................................15 2.3 How Can Tantra Help? .........................................................................23 2.4 Why Not Ejaculate? ..............................................................................26 2.5. The Ultimate Approach........................................................................28 Chapter 3: Solo Prep ....................................................................................40 3.1 Practice Guidelines...............................................................................40 3.2 Desensitizing........................................................................................45 3.3 Relaxing ...............................................................................................47 3.4 Opening Senses....................................................................................51 3.5 Measured Self-Pleasuring .....................................................................59 3.6 PC Pump.............................................................................................62 Chapter 4: Solo Mastery ...............................................................................69 4.1 Peaking ................................................................................................69 4.2 Interrupting Ejaculation .......................................................................73 4.3 Sexual Breathing..................................................................................80 4.4 Plateauing............................................................................................89 Chapter 5: Partner Prep................................................................................92 5.1 False Expectations Will Kill You............................................................92 5.2 Partnering Guidelines...........................................................................93 5.3 Turning Each Other On......................................................................100 5.4 Taking Turns......................................................................................107 5.5 Doing Each Other At The Same Time.................................................113 Chapter 6: Lovemaking...............................................................................115 6.1 Patience, My Friend............................................................................116 6.2 Sexual Positions................................................................................118 6.3 Approaching Slowly............................................................................120 6.4 Moving Exercises................................................................................125 6.5 The Art Of Fucking.............................................................................130 Chapter 7: Tantric Mastery.........................................................................139 7.1 The Tantra Vision...............................................................................139 7.2 Tantric Love Play................................................................................153 7.3 Moving Energy ...................................................................................155 7.4 Exercise: Creating The Space For Tantric Love Play ...........................157 7.5 Exercise: Shangri-La .........................................................................159 Chapter 8: Final Thoughts..........................................................................162 iii 8.1 Another Story.....................................................................................162 8.2 Hands-On Coaching ...........................................................................164 8.3 Smart Sex ..........................................................................................165 8.4 Bibliography.......................................................................................167 8.5 Music Recommendations....................................................................171 8.6 Glossary Of Terms..............................................................................174 Chapter 1: Introduction I want to tell you a true story about a typical sexual encounter between me and the sexiest, most passionate woman I've ever met. Of course, passion is only one of the reasons I married Jeffre. I hope reading it turns you on as much as writing it turned me on. If you play with yourself while visualizing this story, I would be honored. We're here to enjoy sex, right? I just want you to remember that, no matter how insecure you are about your ability to master ejaculation, this story is about someone who was one of the world's champions at cuming fast, namely me. I never entered Olympic fast cuming trials (do they still have that event?), but I bet I could have placed high without even trying. No, I could have won a gold medal while trying my damnedest not to cum. That's how I used to be. I'm different now as the following story illustrates. And it's not just with this one wonderful woman. 1.1 The Perfect Evening We always do our best to make love in the moment, with no stress in the perfect surroundings. That evening was no exception. It was early enough that we weren't exhausted from the day and had no time limit. We bathed each other carefully to wash away the outside world. We entered our private Tantric temple (our bedroom) which was decorated with harem fabrics and appointed to heighten our senses. We lit candles, sprayed perfume, and arranged flowers to add a sensuous touch. As usual, we carefully selected three of our most sensuous music CDs to match our mood. We titillated all of our senses from a distance long before our love play began. As we sat cross-legged on our big bed, I marveled at how desirable the glinting candlelight made her ever-young-looking body appear. Just then, that familiar 2 tingle that presages an erection began. In my 50s, I don't spring to attention as easily as I did in my earlier years. But aging has done little to quell the intense sensitivity that's always made me cum in an eyeblink. Tonight, I looked forward to continuing as long as we both wanted. We bowed from the waist with hands in prayer over our hearts, touched foreheads, and took a deep breath together. The appreciation and love just tumbled out of each of us, making us share sweet everythings in hushed, reverent tones. The warmth that spread from my heart to my loins suggested that passion would soon gush forth. So much sexual energy was flowing and we'd hardly touched each other yet. Sensuous Massage My beloved asked for sensuous massage, first with rabbit fur and then with scented oil. We had no agenda and no time frame so I touched her ever so softly and slowly. Her moans confirmed how she enjoyed my attentions. She writhed and vibrated with passion, streaming orgasmic energy all over her body. I tuned into her energy, opening my channels, and savored her sweet sensations coursing through my body. The old me could have cum so many times already. And so far I'd just brushed her yoni lightly once or twice with my fingertips ("yoni" is Tantric for vagina). The music added to our self-induced trance. I kept up the sensuous caresses long after she'd stopped asking for more. When she begged to touch me, how could I refuse? She scratched, tickled, and massaged me slowly all over until I was writhing and screaming with delight myself. Can you tell that neither of us is quiet, inhibited, or restrained when it comes to sacred sexual play? When she put her mouth on vajra (Tantric for penis), I thought I would come with the first subtle lick. But she is a Tantric lover who goes slowly to thoroughly delight in each moment. We were both feeling everything so deeply with all our senses open, not rushing headlong towards some envisioned future orgasm. 3 Cuming All Over I breathed, relaxed, and circulated those delicious sensations up and away from my genitals. I knew those other parts of my body (feet, nipples, head) couldn't ejaculate, but it sure felt like I was cuming all over. Instead, the intense urge to release calmed and I could relax into more intense stimulation of vajra. Oddly, the slower she went, the stronger the sensations were. And I loved them! So much pleasure from several inches of hard throbbing flesh. Who would want this to end quickly in a few seconds of explosion? Not me, I was looking forward to hours of worship. After who knows how long, I turned over, touched, kissed, and then licked her now wet yoni delicately. She had multiple orgasms with my fingers and then with my tongue, each one rocking me to my core. Her energy pulses made me want to cum with her. Vajra hiding between my legs stayed hard as she continued to stream ecstasy into my body. Stretched out with my mouth between her legs, it was as if she was pumping pleasure right down into my body – making me jump with electricity. We were both rocking and moaning with so much pleasure that we could have continued foreplay like this all evening with soft, subtle, slow touching. No hard hitting here like in American football. Again, how could I resist when my juicy darling says "I've got to have your big hard cock inside me now!" Instead of jumping her forcefully like my hormones demanded, vajra entered her engorged yoni ever so reverently. Slowly, slowly I moved, not so much to tease, but to appreciate every millimeter intense with pleasure. I just wanted to savor each sensation fully. With every subtle movement, we could feel each other's little orgasmic explosions. We call them implosive energy orgasms, the powerful spasms of cuming without the squirting. And like well trained Tantrikas, we both bellowed with ecstasy. Engulfed By Vibrations It seemed a little lifetime passed until vajra's slow shallow-at-first thrusts reached inside her fully. We both tried to be still, but the internal vibrations simply engulfed both of us together. These spasms that spread all over were so delightful that we just let them run their course. A couple of times we couldn't 4 help from laughing hysterically together. How can someone feel so much pleasure all over from such a small part of the body? As the energy spread away from my throbbing vajra and the powerful urge to cum subsided again, I began to thrust in and out slowly and gently. Each little stroke was ecstatic all by itself, creating intense feelings of pleasure. It seemed that the pleasure from each movement was so intense that I could have stopped after any one of them and felt sexually complete. Sometimes we moved into each other deeply. Sometimes we alternated lying still waiting for the other's pre-orgasmic breaths, moans, and gyrations to subside. We varied the thrusts faster then slower, then quick shallow bursts of motion, then deep sensuous grinding until we would both shake with ecstasy. We were so in tune playing each other's instruments like virtuosos in a trancey zone. Over and over we rose to just before the point of no return. When one of us stopped, we vibrated with orgasmic waves riding the surges of ecstasy just before that wonderful precipice. Our lovemaking was like stop-time music, a few chords and then silence where we relaxed into the energy streaming in, out, and between our whole bodies. Oh Those Glorious Contractions So often I felt such powerful surges of pleasure that made me moan and scream like an animal. Just like she was doing. At every peak I was just the slightest slip away from cuming, and would have if this story began before I learned what's in this book. Instead, I paced myself to reach and relax into each new plateau. Oh, those glorious contractions in my genitals each time I relaxed and sucked the energy up away from my dancing vajra! And, what a gift, after each ascent to a high peak, my excitement dropped suddenly. After a moment's rest, I could begin pumping again without exploding. I was supremely motivated to keep the pleasure going on and on. How many times? 10? 20? Who knows, we weren't counting. We were too busy enjoying ourselves to think about anything else. How long did we reach peak after peak, floating in the timeless void of ecstasy, and then slowly moving 5 to another higher high? I really couldn't say, but I do remember that three CDs in our player started over. Did we have a mind-boggling, record-setting, earth-shattering mutual eruption of orgasms at the end? Sometimes we do, sometimes we don't But, honestly, I can't remember if we did this time. Do you believe it when I say it doesn't matter to me anymore? When you experience endless slow sensuous play being far and away more ecstatic than reaching any orgasmic goal, you'll probably feel the same way. 1.2 Book Objectives Now that we're both really turned on by the prospect of the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution, we can get started. To begin with, thanks for buying this book. More than anything else this is my personal story that I want to share with you. If you're interested enough to read this book and change your love life by practicing, then we're not so different, you and me. Practicing what I'm going to suggest will be well worth your while like it was for me. Before learning what's in this little volume, I can't tell you how often I felt hopeless about cuming too quickly. What I'm going to share with you has changed my lovemaking dramatically and forever. And I know it's not a fluke because I have multiple lovers who derive incredible pleasure by making love with me. It can do the same for you with dedication, time, and regular practice. I'm OK And You're OK The first thing you need to believe is that there's nothing wrong with you. Cuming is a good thing. OK, it doesn't always happen when you want it to. Just consider it a timing problem which in the overwhelming majority of cases is easily corrected with training. I know because I did. (By the way, there is a very small chance that you have a medical condition causing your timing problem. It's not a bad idea to have a doctor check out your equipment if you suspect anything less than robust health.) 6 I'm not a sexual athlete or record setter. Like most guys, I have a hidden fantasy of being the world's greatest cocksman. When I look deep inside, I realize that just isn't me. Even with all I've learned, I'm still learning. To be sure, I'm a much better Orgasm Master, my term for someone who can choose the type, timing, and number of orgasms they have. But I still cum sometimes when I'd rather not. So I've learned to face myself and like who I see, knowing I'm just a sensitive guy with a sensitive dick. Which by the way, I love. Please believe me that being sensitive is a good thing. Would you rather be numb and not feel those delicious sensations? No, of course not, you don't want feel less and thus block your potential for ecstasy. The Ultimate Ecstatic Solution isn't about feeling less, it's about feeling more. It's about creating more pleasure and mastering its ups and downs so you can make vajra go on forever. This little book is mostly my story about my love relationship with my vajra. I hope it will spread to your relationship with yours. Plus I'll throw in a little help from talented friends and an expert here and there so you'll get the whole story from every angle I've discovered. In fact, here's one now. My beloved friend, Shama, a wise and juicy female Tantra coach in Southern California, says "In my work, I've found that men who prematurely ejaculate are very passionate and have a wonderful intensity of excitement and feeling. It's just that due to their previous programming, they've formed a habit that locks them out of any other choices. They're taught to eat, eliminate, drive a car and program their VCR. But crazily enough, somehow it has not been okay in our society to teach men about the power and beauty available to them in their bodies and sexual energy. I teach them how to begin to understand, listen, monitor and control that aliveness within the body (their vehicles) to master the use of it in all circumstances, including the sexual." Book Objectives Here's a simple clear statement of what this book is about. It presents... • both modern and ancient proven secrets of prolonged lovemaking for men, 7 • a step by step approach to becoming an Orgasm Master, • how to have S.E.X. (that's Subtle Energy eXchange), • a smorgasbord of physical techniques that can stop you from cuming when you don't want to cum, • practices that can permanently change your orgasmic response, and (of course) • the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution to premature ejaculation. That last objective may sound like an inflated grandiose promise, but that's OK. Contrary to what you might have heard from guys who tell you to think about baseball or your grandmother to keep from squirting, the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution is about MORE ecstasy, not LESS sensation. That's where Tantra comes in, the ancient science and practice of sacred sexuality. Thousands of years ago, ordinary men in India, China, and Tibet mastered what you'll read here. You can too. You're probably healthier and more evolved than them, right? It'll just take a little fun practice. The experts say that sexual response has three stages: excitation, plateau, and orgasm. Our aim here is simply to lengthen the plateau phase indefinitely. That's why this book is about Orgasm Mastery, not about control. Control implies staying under tension, always being careful, and not trusting yourself to relax. That's the opposite of the direction we're moving here. With this program you're going to learn how to relax and enjoy sex more. You don't want to always be on guard, wound tighter than a spring, do you? Orgasm Mastery This book is about how to be a master, at choice, to enjoy lots more pleasure for an extended period of time. Additionally, you're going to learn to have different "kinds" of orgasms than you're used to, as many as you want for as long as you choose. Now doesn't that sound like mastery? You're going to discover (if you don't already know) that ejaculation doesn't always have to accompany orgasm. That's how those who've learned these techniques have multiple orgasms, spasm after spasm that seem to go on forever but without the squirting that for most of us ends the playtime. 8 You might have heard that Tantrikas (practitioners adept at Tantra) and other Eastern gurus give up ejaculation entirely or become celibate. Well, I'm not going to suggest that you take any vows. As an Orgasm Master, you can choose to cum or not. But let me warn you, after some months of extended practice, you may not want to cum much anymore. It's OK if you're thinking, "no way, I enjoy shooting my wad too much." I'm not going to argue with that desire since I've sure been there most of my life. Since you'll be the master, you can choose to do what gives you the most pleasure. Just let me ask you this: "What will you choose if you learn to transform orgasmic energy into an unlimited timeless whole body-mind-spirit altered state that feels so much better and reaches so much higher than a few seconds of release?" Yes, sir, you've jumped on a train whose destination is continuous ecstatic feelings that are better than a quick flash in the pan. But don't worry about that now. When you arrive at that exalted station, you'll be able to decide what you want to do. 1.3 Cuming Quickly Is Common and Curable As I mentioned already, cuming quickly doesn't mean that you're broken. In fact, it's more common than you might think. It's just not the kind of thing most guys discuss over a cold one, is it? Only 2 Minutes? According to some estimates, about 30 percent of American men reach orgasm earlier than they'd like. Alfred Kinsey, one of the earliest well-known sex researchers, found that 75% of the men he tested ejaculated within two minutes of vaginal entry. That sounds pretty quick, but I've beat that record. Yeah, once when I was learning to put a condom on....oh, forget it, you probably don't want to hear about that kind of sob story. As Shama tells clients... "My first response is to assure men that there's nothing 'wrong' with them organically. They need to hear that their sexual 9 habits are a natural product of the way they have 'not been taught' to experience their sexuality. It is merely education and practicing new habits that can transform their sexual experience." I read one astrological study that says cuming quickly is a characteristic of some Sun signs. Lucky me, I'm a Sagittarius. If I believe it, that means that I'll always ejaculate too soon because the stars made me that way. Sorry, I just don't buy these explanations that convince us we're stuck the way we are. And I don't want you to accept any excuse that says you'll never learn to be a longlasting lover. This book is a proven process for changing all of that, no matter when you were born, to what parents, with what genes. Yes, the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution is an equal opportunity employer. By the way, sex therapists officially call this condition "involuntary ejaculation" to better describe what happens when the timing of your ejaculation is different than your partners. Actually, this whole predicament is simply a little gap in your learning, not a physical disability. Researchers have shown that it's 90 to 95% curable. Lasting longer is very possible to learn, you just have to want to. You do, don't you? You simply need to spend some time reprogramming yourself and developing some new skills. What Women Really Want Shama says "Men overlook signals leading to ejaculating because they've been conditioned to believe that women desire constant, hard, and fast lovemaking which defines you as a real man." We're gonna try to change your mind about that. I haven't done a scientific study (yet) but my experience proves most women want something more Tantric. That means slow, sensuous, and from the heart as well. And while we're on the subject of timing, you're well aware that it takes two to Tango, right? That reminds me of a girlfriend I had when I was in my 20s. At that time, like most men, I was much more excitable than I am now. One night we counted while we were making love. She had 10 orgasms in half-an-hour. Native Americans call this a "deer woman." I guess because she was very fast. 10 Now you realize, this is the same guy (me) whose previous wife didn't have vaginal orgasms, no matter what we did. Sure, I felt it was my problem, but in retrospect I did everything I could. In reality, it wasn't my fault, just like your timing problem may not be all your fault. Many women (I've read estimates up to 75%) don't have orgasms through intercourse. So if you're driving yourself crazy trying to do the impossible, lighten up! I'm not trying to talk you out of learning the skills in the book to better enjoy intercourse. I'm just trying to inject a little reality. If you learn to make love for hours, some women may love it but never have the kind of explosion some guys seem to crave. Just accept the fact, OK? I know some women measure their sexiness and self-worth by their ability to make a man cum. And many of us males have been programmed to believe we're only virile if we can last forever and cum many times a night. I do know guys like that. As for me, I don't choose to be that kind of lover with those kind of partners. It doesn't work for me and doesn't give me pleasure like the following program does. Because I know what I like and what works for me, I'm pickier about who I share pleasure with. Doesn't that sound more like mastery than being lead around by my little head? 1.4 Book Overview You realize that I'm not promising a quick fix for a long-term situation, right? Rather, this book offers a long-term change in how you make love. Let me briefly warn you what's coming so you'll know what's in store... Table Of Contents Chapter 1 - INTRODUCTION: We just about finished the introduction. You're making progress already. Chapter 2 - MECHANICS is about the mechanics of orgasms, ejaculation, and sexual energy. It defines this book's method, RAMPER. The letters stand for Relax, Awareness, Measure, Pace, Energy circulation, and Ride the wave. 11 Chapter 3 - SOLO PREP gives you individual exercises that prepare you for greater sexual stamina. Chapter 4 - SOLO MASTERY teaches individual mastery techniques that can stop you from going past the point of no return. Chapter 5- PARTNER PREP gives you dual preparation exercises you can do with a partner to develop the skills for longer lovemaking. Chapter 6 - LOVEMAKING teaches sexual exercises you do with a partner to develop greater lovemaking stamina and orgasmic potential. Chapter 7- TANTRIC MASTERY presents the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution for total Tantric Orgasm Mastery. Chapter 8 - FINAL THOUGHTS is the conclusion, including a glossary of terms, resources, and final advice. Please look here if any terminology confuses you. Tantric Terms I prefer to use Tantric terms for our erogenous zones because they have delightful positive connotations. Some are traditional, some came from our teacher Margot Anand, and others I made up. They're all in the glossary at the very end of the book but here are the main ones... Tantric Word Body Part Origin Vajra penis Sanskrit for divine thunderbolt Shiva lingam an erection The Hindu god Shiva is always erect Devamani balls, scrotum, Sanskrit for divine gems, jewels, or & testicles pearls Rosetta anus, asshole Margot's preferred name Yoni vagina Ancient Hindu word Clio clitoris Margot's preferred name 12 Your Schedule Chapters 3 through 7 contain about 50 exercises. It may sound like a lot, but it's not really that daunting. In places I give you three or four methods to choose from to learn one skill. Some of the practices you'll do only once. A few are optional. Many you'll repeat several times until you master the skills presented. Some, I hope, will become part of your routine, as they have for me. I'd like to be able to say jump around and do what feels right. But I can't. The exercises are cumulative, which means later ones build on earlier ones. This isn't to say you can't blow through some of the stuff that's easy for you very quickly. Go right ahead, just try everything and see if you've got the knack first. I'm asking you now to commit to the long haul. Ideally, this is a 3-month program. If you practice an hour a day, you might get through it in 2 months. More likely, you'll practice several times a week and take 4 to 6 months. Can you arrange that to become an Orgasm Master? I recommend against just an hour a week. It's not enough to develop the momentum where your mastery of one skill builds on the previous one. I've been personally doing this program for about a year and still continue many of the exercises regularly. So I know the value of what I'm advising. 13 Chapter 2: Mechanics Before we get started with practices that will make you an Orgasm Master, let's briefly cover a few of the mechanics of the approach you'll learn. Here we'll review the anatomy of ejaculation, what causes it to happen before you want, why Tantra is relevant to this assignment, what you'll gain from mastering the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution, and the formula for making it work. I know you don't need to be talked into the advantages of timing your cuming better, but you need to appreciate the incredible benefits that will be available to you when you master this method. 2.1 The Anatomy of Ejaculation I think it's a good bet that you're familiar with the overall experience of ejaculating. Right, you get excited, really turned on, squirt, and then your dick gets soft. But there's more to it that you need to grasp, so to speak. I'm talking about the very pleasurable ten-second involuntary muscle contractions that we call male orgasm. Sometimes they start milder and get stronger, but once you pass the point of no return with that first spasm, releasing semen to the outside world is inevitable for most of us. Believe it or not, you're going to make those involuntary muscle contractions respond to your power of choice. We're all aware of the outcome of an explosive orgasm. To be an Orgasm Master, you need become much more aware of the internal process leading up to cuming, as well as the anatomy behind it. Then you'll be in a position to change the sequence of events that lead to squirting. Some of the symptoms that precede orgasmic contractions that you'll become more sensitive to include... • your breathing speeds up to the point of panting, • your heart rate and blood pressure increase rapidly, 14 • your legs and butt tense up, • your pelvic muscles tighten, • your devamani (testicles) elevate and draw-up against your body, and • you become oblivious to the outside world for a little while. Did you know cuming is really a two-stage process? Emission and expulsion. Emission Phase: Your prostate gland, that valuable walnut-sized gland a long-finger-width inside your rectum, automatically contracts and empties seminal fluid into your urethra. That's the tube that carries semen and urine through your genital system and out the head of your penis. Expulsion Phase: Rhythmic wavelike soft-muscle contractions propel the semen down your urethra and out the head of your penis where those little swimmers have a brief fight for survival and usually lose. These contractions of your pelvic muscles that cause the actual release of semen are also the main ones that cause the fantastic pleasure. Now here's the good news: by strengthening those muscles and heightening your sensitivity of this whole process, you can avoid the emission phase altogether and still enjoy the wonderful ecstasy of the expulsion spasms without the squirting. When I do this, my vajra gets desensitized briefly so I can pump vigorously again for a while before repeating the whole cycle as many times as I want. Amongst we sex professionals, our technical term for this is dry orgasm. Just kidding, I really don't know what doctors call it. Did you ever experience one? I actually had a few dry orgasms some years ago before I knew what was happening. Later, when I was learning Orgasm Mastery, the guy in the next room bragged he had 60 dry cums in the first three days of our week-long course. Yes, I hated him at the time. And I wanted to nail his girlfriend too, but how could I with such a stud in the saddle first? Now I love him because 15 he challenged me to learn the same thing. And you can too. By the way, thanks, Marco. OK, that's the end of the anatomy lesson. But there's another even better way to describe what cuming is all about from a Tantric perspective. You build up sexual tension through more and more arousal until you seemingly have no other option but to release the sexual energy through ejaculating. In fact, the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution to mastering dry orgasms and unlimited stamina is recirculating the energy within your body. If you can spread the excitement all over, not only does it feel great, but the urge to squirt subsides. This is the real power and requires using Tantric practice which we'll get to shortly. 2.2 Causes Of Premature Ejaculation If it bums you out to think about all that goes wrong when you cum too soon, you might be tempted to skip this section. But don't. Though I'm sure you know some of them, I'll bet you aren't aware of all of the factors that can cause too rapid timing of your orgasm. In fact, after a long career of ejaculatory mastery, some men acquire this condition temporarily because one or more of these causes rear their ugly head. • The Urge To Cum I want to hit the biggie right on the head at the outset here. When we get turned on, something inside takes over and convinces us to just let go. That's what I call the urge to cum. There always used to be a rationalization in my head that seemed to make sense in the moment why I should blow my wad. I usually regretted it latter. It may sound like circular reasoning to say that the urge to cum is the reason you cum too quick. We all have the urge to orgasm, right? Well, of course. And for a microsecond I don't want to give you the idea that there's anything wrong with it. The craving for pleasure is what life is about. Keep that up, for God and Goddess's sake. But what kind of orgasm are we talking about seeking here? Yours, a quickie, your lover's, or a full body multiple one? The biological urge to cum circumvents your power of choice in the matter. 16 As a result of over 30 years helping people change their behavior, I'm convinced that few succeed at STOPPING something they don't want to do. The secret is to replace what you don't want with something better that you do want. Fortunately, the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution is something so much better that once you develop the knack of inner orgasm from the exercises in this book, you'll never want to go back and spray your seed outside. • Overwhelming Excitement This must have happened to all of us at least once if not frequently, as it did with me. You're really attracted to that completely sexy thing who actually wants to have sex with you. You're so turned on by the whole prospect that before you know it, you cum in your shorts or, even worse, all over her skirt. God, I hate remembering those embarrassing times and wouldn't mention it if I wasn't confident this will soon be a thing of the past for you. Being overwhelmingly excited is akin to being a red-blooded healthy male. The younger a man is, the more excitable he tends to be. It's common that the first few times young, inexperienced men have sex with a partner, they have trouble controlling their response. Since we haven't been taught any other way, we just blindly follow the natural flood surging inside us and soon our pants are wet. So many of us just haven't learned that there is another way to deal with the huge energy build-up. If you're patient and willing to wait a decade or three, high excitability will mellow with age. If you'd like a solution sooner, read on. • Tension & Anxiety The secret (can I trust you with it?) to ejaculatory mastery is relaxation. There are so many things that can create tension and anxiety in the scary arena of sex, I'm actually astounded how many men learn to pace themselves in the sack. Here are just a few of the common stresses that can cause too-rapid cuming... • time pressure • self-doubt 17 • religious guilt, thinking sex is bad, dirty, or immoral • fear of getting caught • tiredness or sickness • relationship stress • worries about pregnancy or STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) • performance anxiety (am I good enough to satisfy my partner?) • trying not to cum. Can you believe that last one? Thinking about not squirting can actually make you more likely to blow too soon. Yes, amazing, but true. • Conditioning To Go Fast Sex therapists claim that climaxing quickly may begin during youth and then become an unconscious, physically ingrained habit that persists later in life. Haven't most of us grown up being afraid of getting discovered having sex? Remember, many of our first sexual encounters were rushing it in the back seat of our dad's Chevy or on the living room couch with the folks due back any minute. We were so worried about getting caught in the act, that sex was often hurried and unsatisfying. And what about making it with our first true love - our hand? (For me, it's my left for sure.) To limit our chances of being found out, masturbating for as quick a release as possible was the norm. Shama says "Men are programmed to believe that it's best not to be caught masturbating for a myriad of reasons. This is often done in stealth and quickly to obtain pleasure and release. It also tends to set up a certain habit of tension in the body, where sexual matters are concerned, that becomes the pattern for other sexual experiences later on. So first, men masturbate and cum quickly in the shower or in their beds, hoping not to get caught. Then they make love with their girlfriends in the back seat of the car or in their room, still hoping not to get caught. And they carry this into the rest of their lives and marriages, not knowing that there can be any other way." I'm not even going to mention the conditioning of the circle jerk if you were so fortunate as to have participated in that kind of evolved athletic event. 18 • Goal of Orgasm We live in a world structured around goals, standards, and living up to expectations. What's the media-driven performance standard for the ideal macho male lover? You know women so well that you please any and all. You play each one so well until they lose control and their desire overpowers them. Until they go completely berserk with passion, you're the strong silent type. Then, in a wild release proving that you're the best, you have a monstrous orgasm simultaneously. Face it, guys, the Big O (a strong explosive orgasm) is what our sexually repressed and unevolved society measures us against. We're raised with the belief that the purpose of making love is to release all that pent-up sexual energy with the most intense orgasm possible. Often we get trapped in our partner's similar belief driven by long periods of being unsatisfied sexually. As wonderful as that experience is, you might be surprised to learn how important many other things are (cuddling, caring, sensitivity) to the average woman. I read a study recently that quoted 70% of women would choose intimacy over sex. We're programmed to rush headlong toward orgasm as fast as we can go. In our haste, we miss so many sensations and experiences along the way. The Western view of sex is a race to the climax after which lovers physically collapse. The Ultimate Ecstatic Solution is closer to the Eastern view of physical love which slowly brings both partners to higher and higher heights of ecstasy time and time again. That's what we're aiming to master with Tantra. • The Mind Without a doubt, the mind is a powerful sex organ. My beloved friend and popular Tantra teacher in San Diego, Dr. Anastas Harris, teaches that "where attention goes, energy flows." Focus on pleasure and your experience becomes more intense. Think about not cuming and you will do it anyway. 19 We all attract what we focus on. For example, if your whole attention is on your genitals, than your sexual energy has no where else to go but out that little hole in your little head. If you're intent on the goal of giving your partner an orgasm, then you're likely to attract one too soon - namely one of your own. Case histories of psychological reasons for premature ejaculation abound. This approach is the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution so that you learn to enjoy sex even more while managing ejaculation. The mind's tricks - goals you're totally absorbed in or pervading mental images - get in the way of you tuning into the present moment. With these consuming internal distractions, how can you truly appreciate what's happening now? Instead, you need to shift your attention to your senses, your whole body, feelings and sensations - all the sources of pleasure imaginable. Lots more about this later. The essence of this Ultimate Ecstatic Solution is to get out of your head and into your body. Relax and stay in the moment, tuning into those wonderful feelings emanating from your sensitive places. Drop all your standards and goals and just ride the wave of energy. Don't push yourself or your partner for the Big O. When you learn to surf your sexual energy without attempting to control the outcome, you'll be able to go with the flow in a loose and natural way indefinitely. • Separate Not Joint Experience In our society, for the most part, sex is a private experience because it's a taboo subject. We hide our insecurities, make rude jokes, and don't talk about it openly. Too many of us obsess about when to make the first move, or how to initiate with a long-time partner instead of joyously enjoying verbal foreplay. No wonder so many of us build up the anxieties and tensions we talked about earlier that can cause premature ejaculation. We're not taught that sex is communion between souls expressing their basic nature through the divine gift of bodies. Few of us learn to play these instruments in harmony to produce amazing ecstasy. Where do we learn that sex is an energy exchange between conscious beings who want to both give and receive pleasure? 20 When you're desired and accepted for who you are without big expectations about how you need to perform, then you can relax and let nature take it's sexual course. That's partly why the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution requires "partnering" with your lovers. This means being aware of your needs and reactions, talking honestly about them, honoring those of your partner, and playing together as equals. Instead of 'doing' your partner, you'll need to do new-age things like sharing together. (Come on, don't gag, be open to dramatic change, buddy. You're here because you chose to become different, right?) By the way, everything in the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution is completely applicable to same gender sex. Tantra has a lot to say about yin and yang energies, which we normally associate with female and male genders. But experienced practitioners learn that we all have both energies within and can act on both if we practice. I've tried to make the language inoffensive to gay and lesbian partners but I probably haven't done a perfect job. So please accept this disclaimer that everything included is applicable and intended for you too. In fact, S.E.X. being Subtle Energy eXchange probably applies more for same sex partners. Different partners have different sexual responses. I've been with women who could cum very quickly, but most need lots of stimulation. Myself, I always like lots of touching all over my body. If vajra gets too much attention too quickly, it's all over for both of us. So who's responsible for seeing that each partner gets the things that bring them the most pleasure? We each are fully responsible. Partnering means speaking your needs and honoring those of your partners. If we do anything else, we set up the dynamics that produce stress, mystery, and tension - a surefire prescription for blowing your wad unexpectedly. If you're single and searching for a partner to satisfy sexually, this whole view of sex as communion may sound even more challenging than finding someone willing to jump in the sack. (Please, no paper bag jokes.) If you expect that you alone will be able to satisfy any woman without their cooperation, you're laboring under a big delusion, friend. Drop the whole concept that it's your job alone to satisfy your partner. This is a mutual dance and that's the way most 21 women love it. Later, I'll show you how to broach this delicate subject with potential partners that will make you seem more desirable to them, not less. • Prostatitis Being part of the first emission phase of ejaculation, the prostate gland is a vital component of your sexual equipment. If it's inflamed or enlarged, called prostatitis, it can easily make you more sensitive to stimulation and more likely to cum at a moment's notice. If you're very sensitive down there or have trouble peeing, see your physician for a referral to a urologist to check you out. And if you're taking any prescription drugs, discuss sexual side effects that you could be experiencing. Fortunately, there are some natural remedies that can improve your prostate health. I take Saw Palmetto and Pygeum daily, two natural herbs you can get at the health food store. Research has shown these supplements can help your prostate significantly. I regularly hear about new ones and try them all. While we're on the subject, there are some other common substances which can inflame your prostate and make you more sensitive to cuming. Can you guess what they are? Right, I'm talking about caffeine, nicotine, and alcohol. If you smoke and drink coffee and alcohol, you would be well advised to avoid them during this program. Believe me, I'm not a moralist trying to convince you of your evil ways. I've tried most everything and believe in whatever brings pleasure. When I'm warning you about irritating your prostate, it's just a medical fact. Alcohol and smoking are the number one reason that men over 30 have erection problems. Other medications and recreational drugs can have significant affects on your sexual mastery as well. The Ultimate Ecstatic Solution, being completely natural, will go better if you eat well and avoid any of these stimulants. • General Health Sex requires energy which is drawn from your metabolism. I'm not just talking about wild athletic fucking. High states of arousal and the physical changes 22 that result like faster breathing and higher blood pressure can be very draining. Being fatigued or depleted can contribute to higher-than-average climax sensitivity. Consequently, if your health is less than stellar, you may be more likely to cum involuntarily. Some overweight men also tend to be cum more easily. The kind of food you eat can be more draining than energizing. Experts advise that a healthy diet that nourishes the body can contribute to sexual well-being. Moderate exercise helps by stimulating the metabolic pathways you draw on during sex. If you're trying to fix one cylinder of a V8 engine, it may never run smoothly at top speed if the others are weak. • Psychological Blocks I'm taking the optimistic view which works more than 95% of the time. That view is that using the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution is simply a retraining process. But I do want to alert you to the small chance that something deeper in the mind can block your progress. There is a segment of men who frequently cum too quickly because of unresolved psychological issues. Some of the therapies which can help resolve these blocking energies are... • Personal Counseling • Traumatic Incident Reduction • Relationship Counseling • Tantric Sexual Healing. If you're not making progress through the practices which follow, or if you're having trouble staying the course with the program, consider consulting with a sex therapist or appropriate professional. Jeffre and I work with clients of all types, sometimes long-distance by phone. You can email me for some introductory long-distance advice at mailto:Somraj@TantraAtTahoe.com and maybe we can quickly pinpoint what you need to breakthrough. If not, I'll suggest how you can accelerate your program through therapy. 23 With that slim chance mentioned, forget about it. I'm confident that following the program will be just what you need. 2.3 How Can Tantra Help? Being an ancient spiritual science of sacred sex, how can Tantra help? The primary answer is that Tantra is about mastering your own energy. I'm not referring to some obscure imaginary new age airy-fairy phenomenon here. I'm talking about physical stuff you feel all the time. How do you become aware of being turned on, or angry, or nervous, or in love? Your internal energy causes sensations in your body. It's what acupuncturists and massage therapists work with every day. To be sure, at first the energy that Tantric adepts work with seems finer or subtler than a punch in the face or a mouth sucking you off. But ultimately, subtle energy can be much more powerful than hard fast pumping. That reminds me of a reserved female business associate at her first Tantra workshop who experienced an hour of powerful non-stop orgasmic vibrations shaking her whole body just from a basic breathing exercise. Some say that women are generally more sensitive to energy. Maybe so, but of course guys feel it, some of us strongly. What causes goose bumps? A chill down your spine? Shivers or ticklishness? Or more directly on our subject, how about that tingly warm feeling in your crotch when you see a very shapely female form swaying a wide path down the sidewalk? When we refer to energy in Tantra, we mean the nervous stimulation and physical excitation that causes these feelings. You feel energy strongest just before an orgasm, thus the term "orgasmic energy." But it's all the same electrical or magnetic stuff in your body. Regardless of what's causing your dissatisfaction with your lovemaking skills, energy is at the root of it. Tantra teaches how to conjure up orgasmic energy, heighten your senses of its effects, magnify its impact, and circulate it around the body. Why bother learning how to channel energy? Because if it all stays in your cock, the easiest direction for it to move is outwards. And then you 24 cum. Spread that sexual energy around and you feel great all over without a sudden big gush. As a result, you can have lots of little energy gushes which get bigger and bigger and bigger, culminating in a long series of dry internal energy orgasms. You have so much exuberance bubbling inside you. Celebrate that wonderful orgasmic energy that makes you cum. If you can master the movement of this powerful energy, why limit these wonderful desires that spring to life? All you need to learn is directing that powerful urge to cum inward instead of outward. That's why this is the Ultimate ECSTATIC Solution, learning to distribute and extend that ecstatic energy. So you'll know what to expect, let me introduce you to some of the basic Tantra principles you'll find appearing in this approach over and over... • Relax and go with the flow, allowing natural forces to run their course. • Don't be inhibited and resist healthy impulses, • Be supremely conscious of everything while watching and enjoying. • Be present in the moment and open your physical senses. • Make love on multiple levels: sex, heart, and spirit. • Focus on pleasure in the moment, not simply on achieving the big O, • You are responsible for your own pleasure and responses. • Know what you desire, what your boundaries are, and voice them. • Empty your mind of goals and anxieties, letting sex become a timeless blissful meditation. • Allow orgasm to become a sacred energy event, SEPARATE from physical ejaculation. Now doesn't that sound much better than learning tight control, always watching yourself, trying not to slip, and feeling bad when you do? Chakras Many ancient cultures, particularly in the East, studied our subtle energies and devised methods to gain greater mastery over them. Common to many practices are the "chakras". These are energy centers or vortices inside the body, residing from the bottom of the spine to the top of the head. Though 25 energy is energy, when it's generated in a specific chakra or settles in one, it feels unique and affects you differently than if it came from another place. Why should you care? For two main reasons... 1) Most love partners want more than just a lust connection from the sex chakra and merging energy at multiple chakras satisfies them immensely. And... 2) We'll use the invisible channel that connects the chakras, the inner flute, to move orgasmic energy away from your genitals so it won't make you cum too soon. Here are the common definitions of the seven chakras... # Location Function 1st Perineum (base of spine) Sex, survival 2nd Belly (2 inches below navel) Body, sensations 3rd Solar Plexus Power, will 4th Heart Love, compassion 5th Throat Creativity, expression 6th Forehead (3rd eye) Perception. consciousness 7th Crown (top of head) Divine connection Energy Tools Again and again, you'll receive advice in this book about using the four CORNERSTONES of ecstasy through Tantric practice... • presence (relaxation, mental focus, and concentration), • breath, • sound, and • movement. These may seem like simple physical skills, and they are. When you use them consciously to get your sexual motor running, they can be ecstatic tools. 26 You might think that you already know what kind of physical attributes (tits, ass, crotch, etc.) turn you on. But those are external stimuli. The four cornerstones are internal tools you can use to energize your own pleasure and steer your own excitement. In fact, we'll use these tools to simulate and ultimately create the feelings of orgasm: intense focus on sensations, deep breathing through the mouth, sinuous body vibrations with pelvic thrusts, and moans of pleasure. More importantly, we'll use these four cornerstones to spread the overwhelming excitation of sexual play away from the genitals. Many of the exercises in the coming chapters directly utilize these four cornerstones. Let me recommend a great way to practice them and develop your sensitivity to and mastery of energy. It's a moving meditation called Chakra Breathing. I haven't included it here because it requires a CD with dynamic music to guide the action. It helps you cleanse and energize your chakras, becoming more attuned to the subtler frequencies we'll be working with throughout the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution program. You can easily get the CD through the resources section of our website http://www.tantraattahoe.com/resources.htm. If you're willing to spend a few extra bucks to speed your progress immensely, I strongly urge you to do Chakra Breathing several times a week. 2.4 Why Not Ejaculate? I know I don't have to convince you that lasting longer is a great idea. But let me just mention that you can't experience the kind of ecstatic wave we're seeking here if you rush headlong towards orgasm or try to hold yourself back. You have to learn to relax into intense pleasure in order to go higher and higher. Guys argue with me all the time about their confused idea that Tantra means not cuming. It doesn't have to be that way or any way. When you learn to go higher and higher forever, the simultaneous orgasm with your partner will be incredible. More importantly, when the ecstasy of the ride is greater than the brief spurt at the end, you may never want to cum again. But won't it be nice when it's your choice and you can decide to squirt or not as the mood strikes you? 27 Anyway, I've included a list of benefits you'll receive by learning this system so you can appreciate how powerfully it may impact you. Here's what many of us lose by cuming too quickly... • Many women are multi-orgasmic because their energy isn't depleted by orgasm. You don't want to cum when she's ready for more. • Many men's erections don't spring back to life after cuming. In my 50s, it sometimes takes me a couple days to recover my ability to stay hard for long. Sex therapists call this the "refractory period." So having an orgasm without ejaculating lets you repeat lovemaking as quickly and often as you want. • Many men release lots of energy when they ejaculate which makes them distant, sleepy, and exhausted. Don't cum and you can stay energetic all night long. • Many men lose the desire to continue making love when they blow their wad, suddenly losing that closeness and intimacy women crave. Some describe it as if a power switch was turned off. • Many men shut down emotionally and mentally as well as physically, cutting off the communion at multiple levels that Tantra can help you achieve. And just to leave you with the positive aspects, by not cuming you can... • Have hours of orgasmic pleasure instead of just a few seconds of intense release. • Experience continuous ecstasy at its peak throughout your whole body. • Stay connected with your partner longer, deeper, and at more levels. 28 • Keep your entire body energized. (The Taoists believe that retaining your semen is highly nourishing.) • Fully satisfy your partner's unfulfilled sexual desires. • Satisfy multiple partners one after the other without a break. • Promote health, vigor, and mental clarity by retaining your energy. • Have bigger stronger longer-lasting orgasms when you finally choose to cum. Wow! Just going over the list reminds me of the three main principles of Ultimate Ecstatic Solution success: practice, practice, practice. 2.5. The Ultimate Approach The approach to learning the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution is called RAMPER which stands for... • Relax, • Awareness, • Measure, • Pace yourself, • Energy circulation, and • Ride the wave. Let me introduce you to the important aspects of each so you'll know what you'll be practicing beginning in the next chapter. R = Relax You remember what normally happens to our bodies when we cum? We tense and contract our pelvic muscles, especially around the butt, anus, stomach, and legs. What do you think would happen if your muscles stayed completely flaccid (sorry, that's a scary word for guys) when you were highly excited? You probably wouldn't cum. This is the simplest technique and the hardest to 29 learn. After six years of practice, I've finally gotten pretty good at it. Sometimes all I need to do to avoid cuming is stay still inside and out. So a fundamental feature of the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution is relaxing. Why? Because calm and relaxed is the ideal state for lovemaking. Tension blocks your blood flow and your feelings, not to mention the flow of orgasmic energy. When your channels are blocked, your energy collects in your genitals. As it builds up with nowhere else to go, you feel more and more pressure to ejaculate. The energy seeks the path of least resistance, out the tip of your vajra. When you relax instead, open your inner channels, and let the energy move up your inner flute, you can more easily replace the rush to climax with the desire to savor the sensations in every moment. Tantric lovemaking is on average much slower than the fast pumping you see in porno flicks. Just by going slower you'll be more relaxed. How do you learn to relax while excited? First, by doing whatever you can to eliminate tension during sexual encounters. So much tension comes from performance anxiety or self-doubt. If you can get out of your head (the big one I'm talking about here), you can relax much easier. Often this requires the communication and partnering with your lover that we'll talk about later. Being in your head means having expectations about what's going to happen and how you want to perform. THINKING sex is always less fulfilling than FEELING sex. Getting out of your head means letting go of so many of the worries that normally accompany sex, even with long time partners. It means focusing on now instead of the slide-show of pictures flashing inside your brain. And it means dropping goals. If you plan to make your sweetie cum big time, or last two hours instead of your record of one hour, or be twice as turned on as last time, then you're setting up mental goals. Maybe this works well for you in business. But when it comes to managing energy inside, it can work against you by taking your awareness out of the moment.. Remember, my beloved Anastas teaches that energy flows where attention goes. So if you have any of these goals in your mind, you'll be comparing your performance against that picture you created in your head. This is the exact anatomy of tension. The Ultimate Ecstatic Solution, contradictory as it 30 sounds, is based on letting go of the need to control the outcome of your lovemaking. Your aim instead is to relax and enjoy. Once you learn how to stay loose, deeply comfortable, and drift with the natural flow of juicy energy, you'll soar with pleasure instead of losing it. How can you learn to relax? In the 'Solo Exercises' chapter which follows, I'll show you physical techniques that assist your mental relaxation. You'll learn how to squeeze your muscles to relax them, especially your sexual muscles. I'll remind you to keep your tongue on the roof of your mouth so you don't tense up one of the most important parts of your body, your jaw. Foremost amongst these relaxation techniques is breathing. Remember what happens to your breath when you cum? You start breathing rapidly and panting. What do you think would happen if you knew how to breathe deeply and slowly even while being swamped with ecstatic feelings? You got it, you would be washed inside and out with orgasmic energy without releasing your precious little swimmers. Westerners breathe shallowly and unconsciously. Contrast that with Yoga masters. Some are so aware that they can shut their breathing down to almost nothing and stay in a state of suspended animation for extended periods. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to convert you into any spiritual practice other than sex as meditation. But do you get that the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution is more like floating with the current than fighting your way upstream? Relax, and your sexual energy will set you free. You can quote me on that. A = Awareness If you're thinking about making your partner cum and holding back your own ejaculation, your awareness will be consumed with orgasms. The Ultimate Ecstatic Solution helps you generate incredible mutual orgasms, but without directly targeting them. As related earlier, your focus needs to be on pleasure in the moment. If you can appreciate how great your vajra feels now, you'll be more willing and able to relax and go slow. 31 When Jeffre and I are making love, we stop every few strokes and just feel how good it is. Seems like we do this over and over for hours. If we were pushing for her to have the Big O, it instead makes me have a little squirt and vajra goes into forced retirement. To become pleasure-centered, you need to heighten your sensate focus. That means tuning in to all your senses: taste, touch, sight, sound, and smell. It means delighting in every sight, basking in every fragrance, and savoring every sensation. If you become more sensitive to everything that's happening all around and all over your body, you won't have the common situation of untrained lovers: total focus on the genitals. Instead you can distribute that delicious energy to all your chakras. As we just discussed, relaxation helps you to awaken your senses and embrace the sensations in every moment. If you haven't learned to go with the flow and be in the moment without goals or expectations, mental tension will shift your attention away from the feelings of the moment. The exercises of the next chapter may not start very sexually, but I hope you can see how essential they are to your success. More importantly, though, most of us who cum too quickly aren't real great at recognizing the internal signals that could warn of us impending ejaculation. If you learn to register every little nuance of every little feeling, going slowly and digesting all their energy, then you're less likely to trip over the point of no return. When you're enjoying every breath, sound, and movement, you'll be supremely conscious of your own level of excitement. And you'll be able to respond to that excitement before it becomes too hard to manage, pushing you over the cliff into a squirting plunge down the chasm. How can you manage your energy flows if you're not completely tuned in to them? You can't. Make it your mission to focus on your feelings. Being present to the moment is one of the four vital cornerstones of Tantric energy mastery and it directly impacts your ability to relax. So heighten your senses, feel your feelings, enjoy your pleasure with no agenda, and you'll gradually learn to stay out of your head and into your body. 32 By the way, due to tension and social pressure, many of us find ourselves partying with recreational drugs and alcohol. Again I don't intend to moralize, let's just be pragmatic. Although some believe that drugs and alcohol can slow your ejaculatory response, they'll also keep you from developing the body awareness that will allow you to change your lovemaking stamina permanently. Getting high may feel good temporarily, but it makes it much harder to master ejaculatory timing. Thinking about other things - like football or your latest weekend project - can be counterproductive too, for the same reason. More awareness is the prescription for more manageable pleasure, not less. M = Measure Your Level Of Arousal By now you've heard again and again you have to tune in to your senses and sensations. So what do you do with this sharpened awareness? The M in RAMPER means to monitor and measure your level of arousal. This is not just a scientific experiment, but a method of making you more sensitive to what makes you excited. If you know where your excitement level is and what causes it, then you can play spontaneously while stretching out your enjoyment and your partners'. Then you can take responsibility for your own pleasure, guiding your lovemaking so that you get really turned on and stay there without going too far all of a sudden. Arousal awareness is complex with lots of subtlety. It's more like a rainbow than black and white. The forces that turn us on aren't always obvious in the moment, and change from time to time. So the M step is all about learning to read yourself so you can know where you're at now precisely. Many sex therapists recommend using a 10-point scale for monitoring your level of arousal during practice and sex play. This is one of the main things we'll be focusing on in the coming exercises. (By the way, level of arousal may not correspond to the strength of your erection at any given moment. Have you ever cum while soft? I have.) Here's my version of the scale... 0 = no arousal 1 = twinge at base of penis 33 2 = occasional little surges of pleasure 3 = starting to feel good 4 = steady hum low level arousal 5 = feeling really good, metabolism increases 6 = really into it, don't want to stop 7 = continuous rush of pleasure, fast breathing 8 = buzzing inside, face flushed, heart pounding 9 = intense pleasure, outside world is far away 9.9 = point of no return, emission phase begins 10 = ejaculation (expulsion phase) As you practice, you'll learn to measure your level of arousal as it climbs towards 9.9, the point of no return. You know the feeling of time stopping, like the movie clip that suddenly goes into slow motion as you watch the car careen over the cliff? You've been enjoying yourself immensely and maybe even feeling far from squirting when all of a sudden you feel those involuntary contractions around your prostate and you know you're gonna cum. That's the often uninvited guest, 9.9, buddy. A major part of self-monitoring during your individual practices will be learning how close you can go to 9.9 without squirting. This is a tough thing to accept, guys, but you're going to have to play with yourself over and over again as you learn this system. Bummer! By the way, us evolved Tantrikas don't refer to such divine play as masturbation, which has hidden and dirty connotations. We call it self-pleasuring, which is a wonderful and sacred thing. If you don't already, you're going to have to learn to enjoy giving yourself pleasure. Sorry, doctor's orders. P = Pace Yourself OK, you've relaxed. You've become more sensitive. You've measured how good it feels. Will these change your stamina dramatically? Well, maybe. But really the RAM part of RAMPER is simply vital preparation for the P step. P stands for pacing yourself. 34 No, I take that back. P stands for Pleasure. If your focus is on pleasure not orgasm, then you won't be rushing headlong towards a destination. You won't be in a race towards the finish line. You won't have a schedule to meet. You'll just slow down and enjoy. That's a big part of pacing. And if you learn how to make the pleasure you enjoy greater than any quick dribble you've ever experienced, you'll want to pace yourself for more, More, and MORE! We'll talk later about partners who get so excited that they don't let you pace yourself. Sure, that happens and in their rush to orgasm they'll drag you over the precipice. And if you both cum together like Jeffre and I do sometimes, wonderful! But when push comes to shove, what most lovers really want is for you to go all night. So eventually, with the right kind of guidance, they'll listen to reason. I'll show you later how to solicit their ecstatic participation. The Ultimate Ecstatic Solution is all about learning to ride the edge, that fine line between absorbing all the pleasure you can take, and taking too much all at once and cuming. Like I mentioned before, you'll rarely hear me talk about control for this reason. Control makes you tight, tense, and rigid, the opposite of relaxation. Control requires you to set standards and watch yourself all the time, stopping the flow of your energy to pull yourself back from the brink. Riding the edge is relaxed, more like skipping from wave top to wave top than fighting the surf with strong steering motions and lots of big throttle adjustments. When you ride the wave, you relax, savor the sweet sensations, and gradually and gently add little bits of arousal as you can take it. The key to "P = Pace Yourself" is two more P words, peaking and plateauing. Peaking is... Adjusting the stimuli that give you sudden surges of arousal so you come back down without going over the top. If you graphed peaking it would look like a steep ascent and then a steep descent. Which is where it got its name. Plateauing is the advanced skill that you learn once you get good at peaking. Plateauing means... 35 Learning to maintain a high level of arousal without backing off. Now you see what relaxing, awareness, and measuring will do for you? They're the essential tools you use to recognize when you're reaching a peak that's too close to the point of no return. This heightened sensitivity in that moment lets you stop soon enough. When you master getting close to 9.9 and backing off, then you'll learn even subtler adjustments so can enjoy plateaus for long periods of time. Some call these "valley orgasms" because their arousal curve flattens out instead of peaking up sharply. Oh yeah, there's an important section in this book called "Interrupting Ejaculation" which assists you with learning to peak. It will show you more than half-a-dozen physical techniques to stop squirting when you stray too close to 9.9. Frankly, these aren't my favorite techniques for two reasons. First, stopping something from happening isn't really Tantric, which preaches going with the flow. Second, I have to admit that I'm not too good at them. Maybe they'll help you a lot so I've included the whole story. But for me, the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution is more about energy circulation than interrupting the emission phase. E = Energy Circulation E stands for energy and circulating it away from your genitals. But it could also stand for Ecstasy. In fact, you might consider the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution teaching about S.E.X. which is really Subtle Energy eXstacy. Because most of us are programmed to rush towards the Big O, we come into the arena of love play frequently tempted to release our sexual energy through explosive genital orgasms. It's what books, flicks, and locker room talk glorifies. That's the accepted concept of good sex in most people's minds. Who among us has been fortunate enough to be initiated reverently and openly into the higher dimensions of sacred sex? Few, if any. So here's a vital part of your initiation, you lucky stiff. Instead of shooting for the Big O, as your arousal builds, spread your energy up, around, and 36 throughout your body, allowing it to carry you to higher and higher levels of pleasure. Some say it will fuel your brain with cosmic energy and give you psychedelic visions. Whatever. Not only will it feel ecstatic, but since you won't be depleting your energy, you'll be able to last and last and last. How do you do it? Simply explained, you channel your sexual energy up your inner flute from your first chakra (the sex center at the base of the spine) so your little head doesn't explode in a gush of ejaculation. You redirect your orgasmic energy primarily by using the four cornerstones, presence, breath, sound, and movement. Admittedly, learning it may not be as simple as describing it. It took me months, that's for sure. That's a big reason why there are so many exercises is this book. For some it comes naturally. My dear friend, Rick, for example, knew how to run energy instinctively as a teenager. Of course, everyone, his big brother paramount among them, told him he was weird. So instead of acting "crazy," he suppressed his natural ability for years. Fortunately today he's using his natural talent and is one of the best and longest lasting lovers I've ever met. (He asked me to put his phone number here with the message "For a good time call Rick..." but I didn't think you guys would be interested.) Once you learn to circulate (move, run, channel) energy, you experience amazingly powerful sensations. Imagine what it feels like when that excitation making vajra pulse and throb infuses other parts of your body. That reminds me of the first time I experienced moving energy out of my genitals without exploding. I was in one of Margot's sacred sexuality workshops practicing selfpleasuring. Does that picture seem a little weird to you, a bunch of men and women doing themselves? Maybe so, but that's what we were all doing. Of course, our aim wasn't to shoot our wad. On the contrary, it was to run that energy up our inner flutes. I'd never felt orgasmic energy anywhere else before. Suddenly, I was hot and tingly all over. My feet felt like throbbing vajras. My head was on fire. My body was undulating and jackknifing, shaking wildly. I must have been screaming because my throat was sore afterwards. Boy oh boy, I didn't want it to end. It was just like that intense spasm of pleasure during ejaculation. But 37 I wasn't cuming wetly while the surge of ecstasy played on and on. After an hour when the practice session was over, I wanted to keep going. I could have circulated that juicy feeling throughout my body indefinitely, or at least until I collapsed from exhaustion. That's probably when I got the idea to write this book. Because if I could experience that, so could anyone. So, the E of RAMPER is to channel your orgasmic energy elsewhere in your body. Where does it go and what does it do? Well, first off, it moves to your heart and energizes your love center. You know how women are always squawking about finding a sensitive guy? They'll love you when your heart is activated by sexual energy. And when one of your chakras is really turned on, you can flood your partner's equivalent chakra with your energy. Circulating energy then becomes a sharing exercise as well as an internal one. My beloved friend Doc Steven is the master of this. I asked him once, after observing his love exploits for over a year, when was the last time he came. He thought for a while and said he thought it was three years ago. How do you do it? I asked. His answer "I love women so much, that it's totally natural for me to move those sexual juices to my heart, and then I love them more. And they go wild for a compassionate, caring sensitive lover who only wants them to feel ecstasy above all else." We've talked about the four orgasmic keys - presence, breath, sound, and movement - to amplify your energy and feel more passion. These are the primary tools of running energy - visualizing that juice spreading inside, breathing deep in the belly, moaning with pleasure, rocking your hips, and squeezing your sexual muscles - which pumps energy up your inner flute. After lots of practice, I've really proven to myself that uttering love sounds releases energy that would otherwise just settle in my genitals. If you're the macho silent type, it may take some getting used to. But it's well worth it. Believe me, your partners will love to hear how turned on you are. As discussed previously, the net impact of running energy is learning to separate ejaculation from orgasm. When you're relaxed inside and super 38 turned on, the contractions around your prostate that initiate the emission of semen don't have to be activated. When the energy becomes intense, you can still have those powerful pelvic muscle contractions that feel so wonderful. That's what causes a dry orgasm, a long series of slow pleasurable spasms without ejaculating and with a rush of energy. I call these "implosive orgasms" because the energy gets pumped back inside and can circulate over and over again. The best news of all? When I have a dry implosive orgasm, all of a sudden my arousal decreases dramatically. On the other side of that peak, I'm suddenly less sensitive. So I can stroke faster and let my excitement build slowly. By circulating my energy while I'm peaking, my closeness to 9.9 comes and goes. If I play it right, it makes my love stamina virtually unlimited. R = Ride The Orgasmic Wave When you retain your energy inside, your pleasure rises to higher and higher levels. That's why the acronym RAMPER is so apt, describing how your pleasure ramps up. Those of us who cum quickly never experience these escalating plateaus. We never develop our capacity to absorb more and more pleasure. When we finally do, it feels like ecstatic waves surging inside. What was a 9 on the arousal scale half-an-hour ago now becomes so much more. That's what R is about. Here's what my beloved wife, Jeffre, says about sex... "Straight pumping is boring and makes me numb. I really love to go slow, like pump, pump, pump, and relax. I just let the energy wash over me. Then a few more strokes and the orgasmic waves, little implosive orgasms, roll through me. By doing this over and over again and again, I eventually get to higher and higher plateaus." You see how the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution is ecstatic when all the pieces come together? You relax and heighten your awareness of your senses to open yourself to subtle energy. By measuring your arousal, you learn to pace, peak, and plateau. This builds up intense energy which you circulate around your 39 body instead of exploding in a quick ejaculation. Then the wave takes you, and you just float. When your energy rises to your spiritual centers, the higher chakras, you'll find a natural calming and blissful feeling engulf you. It's as if your orgasmic energy is fueling your soul's psychic nature. This is why we call Tantric lovemaking sexual meditation. Some describe this as feeling like a hollow bamboo with a never-ending supply of energy running between the earth to the sky through your body. Tantric lovemaking uses the same body parts and erogenous zones you see in X-rated flicks. But the actions inside and out are vastly different. Tantric lovemaking, being equally spiritual as physical, is slow and conscious. It's not focused on orgasm, but on building pleasure and making it last forever. This takes harmony, openness, and lots of communication between partners. As you play more and more with the same partner, you'll undoubtedly learn moves that please them and cues that tip you when to use them. When you meditate sexually together, you must each be totally centered and responsible for your own personal experience. Lovers want different things at different times. Even the most skilled lovers can't always predict the whims and changes erupting in spontaneous love play. So both partners must be tuned in to themselves as well as to each other. This only works when you welcome guidance from your lover, whether verbal or subtle. Tantric love partners are truly a team, totally in sync with each other. If you're single and trying to attract a partner, or have one who's into a totally different experience, riding the kind of orgasmic wave I've just described may conjure up problems. I'm good at orgasmic mastery, but when I'm with a pump, pump, pump wild partner who isn't in sync with me, I'll cum quickly too. There are different styles of lovers and we're not all compatible with each other. Later I'll show you how to motivate, encourage, guide, and coach potential or current sex partners so you can build a Tantric love team. But this may not be what some lovers want and you may have to simply accept that they're not for you. 40 Chapter 3: Solo Prep Ready to practice? I bet. Enough talk already, let's get down to business. Chapter 3 is the first of two that present solo exercises. You know, ones you do by yourself even if you have a love partner. This chapter concentrates on preparing yourself, developing basic sensual skills, and building the foundation you'll need to become an Orgasm Master. After some general guidelines for practicing and, if you have one, guiding you to let your partner know what's going on, I want to make a few comments about the least effective methods for success, namely desensitizing vajra's quick response. Then I'll show you how to practice RAM, the first three parts of RAMPER. We'll start with relaxing, move to ways to heighten your senses (awareness), and focus in a big way on learning to measure your arousal. Oh yeah, out of sequence I'm gonna throw in a vital exercise to strengthen your pelvic muscles so you can start practicing daily. You need to start these right away because the strength of these muscles will become a vital part of your mastery. 3.1 Practice Guidelines Exercise Program First of all, this is an exercise program. It's like going to the gym to work various muscle groups. Of course, in this case you'll be developing your sexual reflexes which are defined by RAMPER. My point is that you need to plan for the long gradual approach as opposed to the one shot deal. Above all, take your time. It doesn't matter how fast you work through these exercises as long as you keep at it for an hour or so every day or two, or as close to that as you can manage. To change your sexual life dramatically, 41 you'll need to stay with this program for several months. No one can guarantee that you'll change a lifelong pattern overnight. If you went to the gym to start building your upper body, would you start with the maximum weight Mr. Universe can lift? Unless you're Arnold Schwarzenegger, of course not. Even he started slowly and gradually. If you push yourself to the limit, you could strain yourself right at the beginning. That kind of short-term setback won't prevent you from succeeding all by itself, but you could get so demoralized that you'd quit. So start Tantrically, slow and easy. Since we're on the subject, we modern Westerners are preconditioned to expect instant gratification. You know what I mean: "I want it and I want it now." I can't blame us for having this mentality, living as we do with modern media, technology, and advertising bombardment. It just doesn't work very well in the Tantric bedroom. Maybe that's part of the reason why those of us sensitive souls who haven't given and received sufficient sexual pleasure cum real quickly. We want all the pleasure immediately! Slow Down So your first global assignment is to slow down. Please don't start out with expectations for instant results. You might have some amazing changes quickly. Many do, but don't bank on it. Expectations will just add to your anxiety level and decrease the first step of RAMPER, namely relax. Instead, start slowly, feel good about doing a little and then a little bit more, and good things will happen eventually. For the most part, these exercises build on each other. There's no gospel about the perfect order, but I've arranged them in a sequence that makes sense about what to master first. The learning strategy here is a gradient, developing basic skills first and building more and more complex actions on top of them with small steps. For example, you need to relax before practicing peaking because if you don't relax at just the right moment you'll blow right past the point of no return. 42 Many of these practices you'll want to do over and over to stay in shape. From others, you'll get a kind of breakthrough which you'll incorporate into your life as a natural part of your sensuous play. So your exercise program will go through phases which I'll explain as we progress. Tantric Approach Do you understand that you need to begin this program with a Tantric approach? That means relaxing into the moment and fully appreciating every little new thing you learn and try. Not pushing yourself, not forcing progress, not beating yourself up if things don't go according to some schedule you make up in your head. It may sound like a complete paradox, but believe me: to go as fast as possible, drop all those goals about where you're going. Just take it step by step, OK? And you need to allow room for error. If you create a plan and define stringent performance standards, you'll put pressure on yourself to perform. We already covered how much that can contribute to involuntary ejaculation. So drop those mental pictures too, OK? To create the right kind of practice setting, you'll want a stress-free environment with privacy and without fear of being interrupted. Find or create a clean, comfortable room where you feel relaxed. A room with a music system or where you can lug a boombox will help, as the right kind of mood music can enhance your experience. For example, use meditative music for the relaxing and awareness exercises at RAM (relax, awareness, measure), and more rhythmic sounds for the sensual exercises at PER (pace, energy, ride the wave). Chapter 8 and the resources section of our website have some examples of our favorite music. You may need to block some time every day or two from your weekly schedule so you remember to practice often and maintain your focus. If you can't make this appointment with yourself every time you've scheduled it, don't sweat it. Just make sure you practice several times a week. A half-an-hour a week isn't enough. And by the way, try not to squeeze a few minutes in between pressing 43 deadlines while you're on the run. The less time crunch and mental pressure the better, OK? Basically, just have fun and enjoy yourself. Don't turn a program of sexual ecstasy-building into arduous work. Heck, in a few pages I'm going to ask you to pleasure your vajra. You want that to become a chore? I hope not. To Cum Or Not To Cum Yes, our goal is for you to master orgasms and separate them from ejaculating. But this whole pursuit is about pleasure and enjoyment. The ends definitely do not justify harsh, unpleasant means. So after a solo practice session of stimulating yourself, you may want to cum. I'm not going to preach about this in the instructions for every exercise. Take this guideline to heart right now. You may have so much juice and sexual energy built up that the explosive release may be just what your body needs. Wonderful! You may be so turned on that you feel you've got to blow your wad. Fine! Or you may enjoy it so much that you feel you deserve a reward. Great, go for it! Sometimes I do. Just remember, like me, to appreciate your fantastic God-given talent for giving yourself pleasure. It's a gift. Taoist texts emphasize how much energy you lose by releasing your seed. They preach that too often is bad for you. The Secrets Of The Jade Bedroom, which I think is one of their ancient texts, recommends a healthy ejaculation frequency for men of various ages. If you're a healthy 15 year-old, it suggests you can cum twice a day. As you age, if you're healthy, here are the book's general guidelines... When You're You Can Cum Once Every 30 1 day 40 3 days 50 5 days 60 10 days 70 30 days. 44 The book recommends doubling that frequency if you're sick, highly emotional, or under undue stress. Regardless of what you choose to do at any time, let's face a bottom-line reality right now. You WILL go over the top accidentally and cum more times than you intend. As you learn to dance and flow with this powerful force, you'll slip over the point of no return. If you don't, you're not getting close enough. So expect some unintentional squirting before you master prolonging your ecstasy as long as you want. When you do cum unexpectedly, don't beat yourself up, enjoy it. That's what this whole game of sex is about, right? Partner Briefing If you have one primary long-term partner or several lovers that you're intimate with, I strongly recommend you brief them on what you're doing here. This is partly because secrecy can create tension that contributes to involuntary explosions of the seminal variety. Chapters 3 and 4 discuss solo pleasuring because refining your arousal pattern is exciting enough in private. If someone else is present, it could be too exciting at first, or too embarrassing to relax. At this point, before you've begun your practice program, I don't suggest you say a whole lot. That's why I've called this a "briefing." If you've found our website, together, that's ideal. You've started as a partnership and have already talked about it. Great! You'll still want to alert your partner that you're starting a series of private exercises so they'll understand what you're up to when you disappear every day or so. If you're partner isn't yet aware of what you're doing, here are some suggestions about how to approach your short talk... "I found an interesting website recently about improving our lovemaking. It's based on Tantra, an ancient spiritual practice that uses sexual energy to raise consciousness. "I want you to know that I'll be doing some solo sensuous exercises in private for a few weeks. They're designed to help my personal 45 development. I'll let you know how it's progressing and hope to get you involved soon. "Do you want to read about Tantra on <www.TantraAtTahoe.com> so you'll understand more about what I'll be doing?" The more forthright you're comfortable being, the better. If you want to be more specific at this stage, you can also say... "I'm reading Ultimate Ejaculation Mastery, the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution For Premature Ejaculation. I believe that by using this program I'll be able to really lengthen our lovemaking. Are you interested in reading the manual that describes what I'll be practicing?" If this is difficult for you, it would be a good idea to talk to a sex therapist or counselor about changing your relationship dynamics. The more support you get from your partner, the faster your results will be. If you're near Tahoe, Jeffre and I are more than willing to help in person. If you're farther away, we can help with phone counseling. 3.2 Desensitizing Desensitizing means using products or techniques to make vajra temporarily less sensitize. Experts report little long-term progress with ejaculatory mastery by using these methods. In fact, the whole idea is repugnant to a Tantric lover who aims to heighten senses, not reduce them. But it's an understandable premise that may even help a given situation in the short term. Pre-Masturbation Pre-masturbation means having sex alone about two to four hours before the big event. The method is based on the fact that most of us are less sensitize and have less desire after cuming. Are you? I know I am. As I've already mentioned, in my 50s I sometimes can't get and stay hard for hours or days after ejaculating. 46 The problem with this technique is that one's level of arousal is only part of what contributes to involuntary squirting. If you're still lead around by your little head and its hypnotic urge to cum, you'll only gain a few minutes. It's true, it may take you a bit longer the second time before you approach 9.9. But if you're not intimately aware of your level of arousal at each moment, you may have the same trouble slipping over the edge once your arrive. If you haven't mastered peaking just short of the point of no return, you're likely to arrive and depart at the cuming station quickly. If pre-masturbation doubles your time of lasting from five minutes to ten minutes, you might consider it progress. But face it, it's far short of what Tantric mastery will allow you to do. Creams Desensitizing creams are products which claim to lessen the sensations felt by men during intercourse so that they can last longer. I haven't tried them, but it makes sense from a purely physical point of you, doesn't it? A shot of Novocain in the dickhead is enough to scare anyone away from cuming. But if one of these creams works on you and makes sex less pleasurable by decreasing stimulation, it's kind of a self-defeating win-lose victory. It might feel good in your mind if you can last longer, but if it's only fun for your partner, how often will you want to do it? Wouldn't you rather have more intense sensations lasting for hours if you could swing it? Sounds like a much better win-win to me. Condoms If you're careful about safe sex like most everyone I know, you're aware that condoms do reduce the amount of stimulation you experience during sex. Using condoms to protect against STDs and unwanted pregnancies already make them highly recommended. (By the way, there's some valuable information in Chapter 8 about lessening your risk and making sex smart.) Some men find that wearing a condom helps them last longer by lowering their arousal. I've even heard that some men use more than one condom to decrease their sensitivity even more. 47 Again, it can take you longer to get to the point of no return, which is good. But when you arrive at the edge of the cliff with those wonderful feelings swirling around you, will you be able to handle it any better? I find not. So you'll still need the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution. 3.3 Relaxing Your ejaculation mastery exercises begin with the R of RAMPER, for relaxing. We've already covered why this is vital, because ejaculation is often triggered by tension in the pelvis, butt, or mind. Calm and relaxed is the ideal state for lovemaking, so that there'll no tension to prevent the natural flow of orgasmic energy. When you relax and awaken your senses, which we'll work on next, you can more easily replace the rush to climax with the desire to savor each sensation in every moment. Exercise: Corpse Posture There's a Yoga position called the corpse posture which is a good place to start making relaxation a sensual discipline. 1) Lie down on your back and close your eyes. Use a pillow under your knees and neck if needed for comfort. 2) Spread your legs slightly and let your arms fall away from your body with your palms up. 3) Imagine the weight of your body pressing down into the earth while being entirely supported all around. 4) Just let all the tension in your body go completely, allowing all your muscles to relax. Let your mind to float free. 5) Focus on the slow steady natural rhythm of your breathing. Let that be the only thing you're aware of while your mind relaxes. 48 6) Just float this way for 20 minutes while you witness what your mind and body experience. You can practice this regularly before other exercises or anytime you want to dissolve any of the stresses that you accumulate during normal life. Some find that by recording these instructions on an audio tape and listening to them in their own voice helps them relax more and faster. Exercise: Muscle Relaxation In this exercise, you'll systematically isolate, tense, and then relax each muscle group in your body, starting with your toes. When muscles are tense, it's common for most of us to clench our jaw muscles. So a good tip for all exercises in this book, especially the relaxation ones, is to keep your tongue on your palate lightly touching the roof of your mouth. Then you can't unconsciously bite down hard or gnash your teeth. 1) Lay down and close your eyes in the corpse posture or any other way you feel comfortable. (If the corpse posture isn't comfortable, find another lying or even sitting position where you can totally relax.) 2) Focus your awareness on your toes, tense them tightly for a moment, and then relax them for several breaths. 3) Focus your awareness on your feet, tense them tightly for a moment, and then relax them for several breaths. 4) Continue doing the same with your lower legs, thighs, genitals, butt, stomach, lower back, chest, upper back, hands, forearms, upper arms, shoulders, neck, and jaw. 5) If you feel tension remaining anywhere, repeat the cycle until you feel relaxed all over. 6) Take a few moments just breathing gently and feel the complete sense of relaxation sink in deeply. 49 With enough relaxation practice, your body will remember the sensation and you'll be able to go into this floating state quickly and easily at will. In Chapter 5, we'll discuss other relaxation techniques such as massage which require a partner. Exercise: Sitting Meditation My intention is not to convert you into some kind of modern Yogi or spiritual guru. But to be completely honest, meditation is one of the most powerful ways to relax. So I'm including this optional exercise which I hope you'll try at least a few times to see how powerful it can be. Meditation is simply sitting and emptying the mind. Since you can't force thoughts away, this is more challenging than it sounds. Gurus have developed many meditation techniques that can help you quiet the mind and enter a "no mind" condition. I've tried many and they all seek to create a deep inner peace filled with stillness. The simple method I present here just guides you to watch your breath. It's good preparation for what's coming, because conscious breathing is one of the Tantric skills used in the exercises that follow. 1) Sit in a comfortable position in a quiet uninterrupted space. Yes, you have to turn off your phone, pager, and TV. 2) The classic posture is the lotus position with one legs crossed over the other. I can't get all the way myself, and it may not be easy for you either. Get as close as you can to this posturing, insuring at least that you sit upright. I use a "zafu," a round Japanese meditation pillow that's rather firm and shaped like a fat pancake, to keep my pelvis higher than my semi-crossed legs. You can also meditate sitting straight in a comfortable chair or sofa. 3) Meditation is not doing anything - it's simply being. So don't set any goals or preconceptions of what's going to happen. Just sit for a moment and relax. 50 4) As you settle in to a comfortable state, you'll undoubtedly discover that your mind is busy. Don't do anything about it, just let it happen. Witness ideas floating by like clouds in a brisk wind. 5) To quiet the mind without force, watch your breath coming in and out. Don't change your breathing consciously, just pay attention to it. 6) You'll probably find your concentration wandering away from your breath. Don't beat yourself up because it's natural. When you realize you've strayed, just come back to watching your breath. 7) Gurus advise 15 minutes sitting like this morning and afternoon. Since you shouldn't be watching the clock, I'm not sure how you should time it. I usually just remain still until I relax and my mind settles. If you incorporate regular meditation into your life, you'll find that it's a great way to relieve stress. It's supposed to be good for you physically and mentally too. We're mostly concerned here with how it helps you with the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution. All I can say is that tension makes you cum more easily and relaxation is vital to lasting longer. Meditation practice isn't essential but it can be a great tool to release tension and relax. Exercise: Breathing When the average person gets close to cuming, their breath becomes shorter and faster, maybe even panting uncontrollably. So, one of the best ways to relax when excited is to learn to breathe slower and deeper. Further, it helps to interrupt the stress response you may experience during exciting or anxious moments of lovemaking. Most of us take breathing for granted. We breathe shallowly as a rule. We could all benefit from mastering the art of Tantric breathing: relaxed, through the mouth, and deep into the belly. This kind of full breathing lowers the heart rate and can help dissipate the tension of arousal. Breathing through the mouth is more physical and sensual as opposed to breathing through the nose which tends to put the attention in the mind. 51 1) Lay down in a comfortable position like the corpse posture and close your eyes. 2) Remain completely still, relaxing all your muscles, especially your anal and genital muscles. Press your tongue gently against the roof of your mouth to keep your jaw relaxed. 3) Without consciously changing anything, watch how rapidly you breathe and feel how deeply each breath goes. 4) To begin mastering Tantric belly breathing, open your mouth and breathe rhythmically more deeply and slowly. Imagine that your belly is an empty balloon that fills and empties with each relaxing breath. 5) Put your hand on your belly and watch it move in and out as you breathe. If your hand isn't moving, consciously force the air down deeper. Make sure that your breath is moving your hand, not the extension of your stomach muscles. 6) To take it a step further, imagine your breath going down into your pelvis, washing, cleansing, and stimulating. As your breath trickles out, imagine it leaving every muscle totally relaxed. Slow deep belly breathing is an essential component of the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution. Practice this as long and as often as you need. Continue practicing it until you can easily and rhythmically fall into slow relaxing belly breathing through the mouth. 3.4 Opening Senses These next exercises are all about developing the A of RAMPER, namely awareness of your body. This is how you will learn to be more present and focus in the right direction. Do you remember that presence and visualization together are one of the four cornerstones of ecstatic sex? 52 Did anyone ever suggest to you that the way to avoid cuming was by thinking about baseball, work, or your grandmother? Well, this part of the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution is the exact opposite. It's about paying maximum attention to the sensations that arise in every part of your body. By opening your senses more, you can enjoy each little moment of pleasure to the fullest. Of course, this requires slowing down and relaxing into the experience. Your aim is to engage all of your erogenous zones and your whole body. When you relax into feeling the excitation in your head, feet, butt, and nipples, just to suggest a few subtle erogenous zones that I've learned to make me very hot, you shift your focus away from your genitals. This is a basic premise of the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution, spreading the energy away from the genitals, so you can have whole body orgasms without an explosive ejaculation from your oneeyed pleasure stick. I know that it's one thing to practice by yourself and another when you're with a wildly bucking partner. But believe me, most lovers really want the slow sensitive savoring attention that opening your senses brings. Let's start solo anyway and worry about engaging partner cooperation once you've mastered the basics. Exercise: Vipassana Meditation This is a sensory meditation designed to open multiple senses at once. Practice this exercise in a safe place outside where you won't be interrupted (your back yard when no one is home?) or inside if necessary. Take your shoes off if you're inside or if it's safe outside to walk barefoot where you practice. You can wear clothes for this exercise, but it's also great if you can do it in the nude, especially outside if you enjoy that. 1) Close your eyes and stand still comfortably, watching your breath for a few minutes until you feel relaxed. 2) Feel the level of tension and relaxation in every muscle starting with your feet and moving up to the top of your head. 53 3) Next, while maintaining total awareness of your body, you're going to move around very very slowly with maximum consciousness. Don't open your eyes completely but keep them softly focused so you don't hurt yourself. Walk as slowly as you can, feeling the minute movements of every muscle as you lift each foot and leg. Then feel the pressure and motion of your whole body as you set it down and shift your weight, feeling the texture of the grass or floor, or the hardness and evenness of the ground. 4) After a few minutes of complete focus on the physical sensations of walking, add paying attention to your sense of sight. Observe slowly and in detail what you see: shapes, textures, and colors. Maintain total awareness of your body while walking. If you accidentally shift your attention entirely to your sense of sight, remind yourself to keep feeling everything happening in your body as well. 5) When you're ready for more, add your sense of hearing. Listen for any and all sounds around you. If you're outside, you might hear the wind, the rustle of leaves, birds, and cars. If you're inside, you might be amazed at all the ambient sounds all around you: creaking walls and floors, plumbing and heating, and noises from computers and appliances. Now you're sensing your body, sight, and hearing all together. 6) Finally, add your sense of smell. If you're outside in the spring, there will be many wonderful scents on the wind. Whenever and wherever you are though, include anything your nose picks up. I don't know a safe way by yourself to add the sense of taste. For that, you'll have to visit us for a Tantric initiation or exchange Sensory Awakening Rituals with a partner. (This is described in detail in The Art Of Sexual Ecstasy, by Margot Anand on page 96. It's available through the resources section of our website http://www.tantraattahoe.com/resources.htm.) At some points in this exercise you'll probably tune out and forget to focus on one or more senses. Unless you're a Yoga master, expect it and don't worry about. Just keep practicing every day or so until you can spread your attention throughout all the sensory input reaching you for a few moments. 54 You'll be amazed how much this will increase your pleasure during lovemaking, whether solo or with a partner. And it's essential to be able to master your ejaculation response. Exercise: Ejaculation Awareness You now get to start one of my favorite parts of this program, self-pleasuring vajra. The first exercise is designed to heighten your awareness of your ejaculation response: the point of no return, emission, and expulsion. Actually, it belongs in the next section, but I've put a copy here in case you cum during the remaining exercises. This way you'll know how to take full advantage of this joyous experience and learn from it whenever it happens. I'm not kidding about praising the very thing you're trying to control. Part of this exercise is to enjoy the intense pleasure of ejaculating so you'll know what energy and sensations to spread throughout your body to prolong lovemaking. OK, got it? So read this exercise now but wait until later to practice intentionally. By the way, there's no penalty for doing this exercise multiple times, planned and unplanned. The more you learn about your body's responses, the better you'll be at the Ultimate Ecstatic Solution. As we discussed earlier, there's a price to learning how to play on the edge of cuming. The good news/bad news is that you'll undoubtedly slip frequently until you develop the knack of flirting with the edge. Part of this exercise is to take the attitude that you will accept and enjoy the experience instead of dreading it. 1) Self-pleasure vajra slowly, feeling all your sensations fully. 2) As you reach the point of no return, stop all motion. 3) Relax by taking deep breaths and focus your attention on all parts of your body, especially yo